5 Steps for Telling Someone They Hurt or Disrespected You (2024)

I have a friend who constantly interrupts me and finishes my sentences. The worst part of this interaction is that what she says when she finishes my sentences is not what I intended to say. I love my friend, but there are times I am so frustrated with her... but then I shut down and quit talking.

How do you tell someone they frustrated, discounted, or hurt you, and tell them in a way that enriches, not harms, your relationship?

Telling someone directly how you feel about what they did is often uncomfortable but easier on your mind and body than holding your anger and fear inside. In my experience, when you share what you feel with the intention to improve your relationship because it is important to you, not to punish or hurt them back, they will hear you. They may get defensive when you tell them, but they won’t feel you are pushing them away. The adjustment you want to see will begin, even if they can’t completely change this habit.

Here are the five steps for sharing your feelings so you are heard. You can also view a video summary of these tips.

1. Start with why what you want to say is important.

You might say, “I would like to share something with you because I value our relationship.” Or at work, you might say something like, “I know that us working well together will help us both reach our goals. Can I share something with you that could improve our collaboration?”

2. Briefly describe what happened that felt hurtful or disrespectful.

Say, “When I was talking, you (said or did this).” Don’t go into a long story about what occurred or try to soften the blow by saying you know they didn’t mean to be offensive. One sentence that describes your experience of their behavior is enough.

The other person might interrupt you to explain themselves. Tell them you want to hear what they have to say, but you would like to finish first. Say this calmly, without anger, so your emotions diffuse instead of add to their resistance.

3. Say how their behavior made you feel—the impact.

This statement is the critical piece of your delivery. They can’t debate how their actions made you feel. Cleanly say that it felt like what you had to say was not valuable. You feel angry, frustrated, hurt, scared, or you just give up when this happens.

Use “I” statements. Don’t blame them for not caring or judge them for being insensitive. This is how you feel when they act this way regardless of their intentions.

4. Ask for what you need going forward.

What would you like them to do instead of what happened? Again, be specific, such as asking if they could allow you to finish your sentences, include you more in group conversations, or be open to honoring and discussing different ways of seeing things instead of debating what is right and wrong. Then accept their response, knowing they heard your request. They may need time to process what you shared.

5. End by reinforcing why you are making this request.

Tell them again why your relationship is important to them. You want both of you to feel good about your conversations. You hope they let you know if anything you do impacts your interactions, too.

If you don’t share when you feel badly in a conversation, you create distance instead of connection. Muster your courage to share your reactions and requests, knowing they can adjust even if the change takes time. If the relationship is important to you, it’s worth it.

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5 Steps for Telling Someone They Hurt or Disrespected You (2024)

FAQs

5 Steps for Telling Someone They Hurt or Disrespected You? ›

Talk to them with honesty and authenticity. Clarify that this is not meant to hurt their feelings or be offensive but you need to be able to explain yourself. It's important to not blame the person but try to understand their perspective. Explain your reaction and why you felt that way.

How do you tell someone they disrespected you? ›

Here is a suggested structure you can use for this conversation:
  1. Tell the person you'd like to talk with them about something that happened. Set a date and time. ...
  2. Describe what happened in detail. ...
  3. Tell them how it made you feel. ...
  4. Tell them what you want to happen next. ...
  5. Make a plan together to continue the conversation.

How do you respectfully tell someone they hurt you? ›

Talk to them with honesty and authenticity. Clarify that this is not meant to hurt their feelings or be offensive but you need to be able to explain yourself. It's important to not blame the person but try to understand their perspective. Explain your reaction and why you felt that way.

How to make someone realize they hurt you? ›

Communicate how you were hurt to the other person

If you speak to them one-on-one, offer insight into what transpired in your opinion and offer another perspective. In the best-case scenario, this person may see how their actions hurt you, apologize, and avoid this behavior in the future.

How to respond to someone who disrespects you? ›

Here are some simple tips:
  1. Choose whether to engage. ...
  2. Consider your values and find common ground.
  3. Name the disrespectful behavior or action you observed.
  4. Contextualize the disrespect as a misstep, out of sync with their character.
  5. Withhold judgment and be patient.
  6. Remember, it should be a conversation, not a lecture.

What is the highest form of disrespect? ›

Severe Forms of Disrespectful Behavior
  • Physical abuse—when one person intentionally causes injury to another person. ...
  • Emotional abuse—when a person alters a person's emotional well-being. ...
  • Financial abuse—when one person controls another's access to money or misuses the other person's funds.

How do you make someone who disrespects you respect you? ›

Calmly explain what the problem is and how their behavior is affecting you. Don't be afraid to firmly but politely ask them to explain their behavior. Use I-focused language so that the other person does not feel accused. For example, “I feel very disrespected when you speak to me in that tone of voice.”

Is it worth telling someone they hurt you? ›

You could let them know they hurt you and explain why, specifically, you were affected by what they did or said. You may need to set boundaries and stand up for yourself to avoid further hurt, and discussing the issue may be a significant part of this process.

How to confront someone who hurt you? ›

How to confront a friend who has hurt you
  1. Prepare yourself for what you want to talk about.
  2. Stay composed while you explain how they hurt you.
  3. Let your friend give a viable explanation — and listen.
  4. Avoid arguing, but be assertive with your point of view.
  5. Be clear about your boundaries in the relationship.
Sep 19, 2022

What to say when someone hurts you deeply? ›

  • It's best to say nothing. No matter what you say won't change what has happened and how much you have been hurt.
  • It will cause you more pain when they don't understand or acknowledge you and your emotions. ...
  • If they hurt you emotionally and don't feel sorry for it, then it is better to say nothing. ...
  • Stay away and move on.
Jun 12, 2022

What is the best revenge on someone who hurt you? ›

Get on with your life.

The sweetest revenge can be getting on with your life and living a better one than the person who inflicted pain on you. If you have to see the person on a regular basis, plan out great stories to tell about yourself to illustrate how well you're doing, how great your life is.

What words make someone feel guilty? ›

Use words like "disappointed," "selfish," and “ashamed” to fuel their internal guilt.

How to tell someone they hurt your feelings without them getting defensive? ›

Say how their behavior made you feel—the impact.

Cleanly say that it felt like what you had to say was not valuable. You feel angry, frustrated, hurt, scared, or you just give up when this happens. Use “I” statements. Don't blame them for not caring or judge them for being insensitive.

How to shut down a rude person in psychology? ›

10 smart ways to deal with rude people
  1. Remember, sometimes the rude person is you. ...
  2. Don't take it personally (even if it's personal). ...
  3. Find out why. ...
  4. Be objective and analyze the rudeness. ...
  5. Don't join the drama club. ...
  6. Let it drop and walk away. ...
  7. Consider offering help. ...
  8. Understand rudeness as a habit.

What is a stronger word for disrespectful? ›

contemptuous, disdainful, insulting, scornful. expressing extreme contempt. contumelious. arrogantly insolent.

How to treat a man who disrespects you? ›

When your partner disrespects you, there are healthy ways you can approach the situation. Those ways include accessing the situation, talking about your pain, setting boundaries, connecting with your partner, and respecting them.

How do I say I feel disrespected professionally? ›

Finding non-judgemental language is particularly helpful here. Rather than saying “You really upset me…” try “I felt upset by…”. It is also useful to have a goal for what you want to get out of the conversation.

How to professionally tell someone they're being disrespectful? ›

Deal directly with the culprit. When you need to address rudeness, talk to the offender somewhere private. Stay calm and objective as you outline the facts as you know them, explain the negative impact of his or her behavior and how it made other people feel, and make it clear how you want him to modify his behavior.

What do you say to a disrespectful person? ›

Good Responses to Rude Behaviour…
  • I don't appreciate your tone/comments, perhaps you can try again or come back and speak to me when you have a better tone/calmed down.
  • I need/would appreciate you to speak in a more respectful way.
  • I don't recall asking for your comment, and when I want it, I will ask.
May 28, 2023

How do I tell him I feel disrespected? ›

Say how their behavior made you feel—the impact.

Cleanly say that it felt like what you had to say was not valuable. You feel angry, frustrated, hurt, scared, or you just give up when this happens. Use “I” statements. Don't blame them for not caring or judge them for being insensitive.

References

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