Chapter Text
EPILOGUE
Home Is Where You Lay Your Head
This story and its subsequent follow-ons are a work of pure fiction. This is merely a story and should be treated as such.
Laying in bed besides the most beautiful woman in the world; my Rachy, I couldn’t help but feel the gravity of the next few hours fall upon my shoulders. Even with her holding my self made dild* to her lisp and nuzzling o it in her sleep.
These would be my last moments with my sweet until the Tour made its way to the west coast a month from now. Suddenly I felt like a teenage boy again. My insecurities seeping in to every pore in my skin. I woke a number of times that evening to catch my breath as the world around me seemed to suddenly shrink and suffocate me. Sweat piled on my forehead like I was being interrogated by a mob boss.
Every time I managed to calm myself another cruel thought would make its way in to my mind driving me crazy. With the cool of the approaching morning it brought to me every bad decision I’d ever made. Was this just the latest in a series? Was it really a good idea to leave when we were still as infants in our relationship? Could it really survive cross country for three months?
I wanted desperately to wake my love and talk through my demons but that was selfish. I knew by the way she was curled in the opposite direction to me that she was just as apprehensive about this as I was. I would only be feeding her insecurities if I did.
I woke with a dryness in my throat and decided to go fetch myself a glass of juice from the kitchen. I tip toed from the bedroom leaving Rachel with a light kiss on the forehead to not stir her to much. A glum look was about her face like I’d never seen before. Even just seeing her there like that made a part of me break inside.
I hadn’t truthfully felt this since the day I decided to leave Tommy’s mom. It had been coming for some time and it wasn’t exactly a surprise to either of us, but that didn’t change the fact it hurt. And this was the same. I wasn’t just leaving behind the love of my life, I was leaving my best friend, my conscious, my brain, my heart. I was leaving in body but my spirit and heart would stay here with her. I couldn’t do my job if I focused on her, I needed to be with Olivia full mind and body.
At these moments there was only one person who truly understood me. I took out my phone sitting at the kitchen bar and dialled her number. I often forgot the time difference between LA and New York.
Lucy answered like I knew she would. “Hey D. What’s wrong?” She may have been my ex wife, but she was still the mother of my only son and in many regards she knew me better than anyone ever would. We had an amicable divorce, if ever there was a thing.
I broke down. Tears streaming down my face. I had never been a man afraid to hide my feelings and more over I knew I didn’t need to with Lulu. She sat at the opposite end of the line just calmly talking to me. “D, Danny I’m here. I’m here.”
She always was when I needed her most. Finding a break in the tears I mustered enough breath to speak. “How did you know?”
“Know what D?’
“Know that we… you know, weren’t a ‘we’ anymore?”
“Ahhh. Whoa. Deep for a midnight call mate. But sure. I guess, I knew when you and I went on that date with Seamus and his girlfriend. They were so… in love. By that point, I knew. I knew that I wasn’t in love with you anymore. I still loved you, and a piece if me will forever, I just wasn’t in love with you anymore. Yah know?”
“I get it. I do. But we never fought, we never had arguments. Rachel and I just had perhaps the biggest argument I’ve ever had in my life. And in a few hours I have to fly out on tour. I don’t know what to do Lu. I’m lost. Please I need your help.”
Despite the breakup, and the almost seventeen years since we were a couple, Lucy and I still remained on a similar wave length meaning she and I shared a bond that most could only dream of. Ahem. She cleared her throat. “Danny don’t be stupid. Are you a f*cking moron?”
I wasn’t expecting that. “Excuse me?”
“You f*cking imbecile. Are you serious? First you break our sons heart with that girl and now you ring me asking me if you really love her. If you were here I’d f*cking slap you. Of course you bloody love her. And do you know something, she loves you too. Have you even seen her socials? She brags about you constantly. Going blind in your old age are you Mister? Your only arguing because you care. You both do.”
I let her words simmer.
“What nothing to say now?” She broke the silence. “It’s because you know I’m right like that time you said Patti Labelle when the answer was clearly Patti Lupone.” She just had to chuck that in there didn’t she.
She must of heard the break in my voice. “You know it, I know it, and that little school girl knows it too.”
“She’s eighteen actually.” I sniped back. The sound of slow clapping on the other end echoed down the line.
“Wow. Big whoop. Now stop being a douche bag and go tell that girl of yours how much you love her. You f*cking idiot.”
“Thank you Luc. You always had a way with words.” I laughed.
“Yeah, yeah. Now go. Your stupid is rubbing off on me.”
I hung up, taking in what she had said. She worked as my conscious when I was to tired to let it work by itself. I knew deep down all of what she said to me, but sometimes you need a hearty slap of reality to bring you back.
I downed a glass of water remembering to tip toe back to the room not to wake Sicily in the cabin. I snuck back under the sheets with Rachel who immediately stirred with my depression on the mattress. She launched her arm forward catching mine. “Danny don’t leave.” She clawed at me.
I moved towards her stirring body and grasped her in my arms. “Baby, my baby. I’m here. And I’ll always be here.” I swallowed hard. “I love you Rachel. Always.”
Sure I’d said it to her before, and yes I meant it each time. But… there was something different about this time. I meant it. Each individual letter, every syllable, every nuance. Everything. I meant it as an oath, as a lasting symbol of my love for her.
I lay with Rachel in the bonds of our love. The early dawn stirred with the sun making its first appearance over the Californian hills. Peaking through our blinds it kissed us gently awake. There was still the unease of me leaving weighting on both of us but it was somewhat lessened with the early morning call to my ex. She was reassured me of what I already knew to be true.
As I sat up from bed I felt her arms about my waist. “Danny, I love you too.” Rachel had exclaimed this to me in the past. But Between us now it was more. More of everything. Each feeling, each word, each meaning. Just more. Knowing these would be some of our last moments together it made the words all the more special. She wasn't saying them as a sentence on auto pilot to my response the way you d after coming home from a long days work, shouting out to your partner as you close the door behind you. We both said it with meaning, with heart.
She and Sicily had a shoot later that day so that would at least keep her mind occupied for a few hours. I could never leave if she didn't give me her blessing.
Seeing my bags lining the doorway made it all the more real. As the hour approached I struggled more and more with my movements. My legs feeling sluggish and concrete. I wanted to stay in place, for the world to stop. I wasn’t so lucky.
I felt Rachel take my hand and softly brush it to her cheek. I’d been the strength of the relationship now for so long it felt odd to be the vulnerable one. If I’m honest it felt… good. I wasn’t used to handing over the reigns and to let someone else take control for a moment. Well… She caressed her cheek with my hand turning it round to kiss the inside if my palm. “Danny, Danny. Baby. You know that you have to do this. Danny you have to do this. All you have to do is just remember, I’ll be waiting for you when you come home okay. Okay.” She seemed less to be trying to convince me as she was herself.
I kissed her back, and gave miss Rose a cheeky kiss on the forehead too. “Could you do me a favour, please?”
She looked at me as if to say of course without speaking. Deep down I knew she was barely holding back tears. I’d somehow become a surrogate father to two teen girls.
“Just… look after each other okay. Could you do that for me?”
She gave me a cursory nod.
Rachel steeped outside with me as we stood at the threshold of our home. I always felt a little sad to say goodbye, but this gave it new gravity. Before Rachel, well.. There was no before her. There was Lucy… and her. Sure a few nights here and there with others but no one like this. No one I loved.
Sicily shyly slunk away back inside giving me and Rachel a moment. I cupped her cheeks as a few tears broke through her stoic stance. “I will always love you baby okay. Always. No matter how far apart we are. States, countries, universes. I will always find my way back to you.”
She did her best but a few more tears squeaked out. “Danny. You know I’m bad with words. I can’t express myself well. But I want to say this before you leave. And not because your leaving… aghhhh. Just shut up Rachel.” She cursed herself.
Men have come and gone from my life like the pages of a calendar. They flip in and out just as quickly. Before I met you, I don’t think I know exactly what love was. Now I do. You are the most special person in my life. I didn’t think anyone could ever love me, let alone someone so special. You love me when I’m ugly, when I’m being a jelly baby, when I’m being a brat. You love me through it all.” She broke down.
I caught her as she crumpled. “And I will always love you.” Dipped in my arms it felt like it did all that time ago at her birthday party. The world around us had slowed to a still. The butterflies stopped flapping their wings, the wind no longer a flutter. She caught my eye as we wound our fingers together. We shared no words, just a single lasting kiss goodbye.
TO BE CONTINUED IN… Olivia Rodrigo: Deja Vu
